Play Excerpt:
Act I, Scene II from the play The Boiler Room

Burning Shore Press is proud to present five new poems by Dan Fante:
Untitled #1
Melrose Avenue at Four A.M.
Untitled #2
Untitled #3
Last Night

Play Excerpt:
Act I, Scene I from the play Don Giovanni

Act I, Scene II from the play The Boiler Room

Characters

Eddie Kammegian: owner of a succsessful telemarketing company selling refurbished printing supplies
Judy: coworker and sometimes lover

EDDY KAMMMEGIAN'S OFFICE - DAY. RIMMING THE PANELLED WALLS ARE PORTRAITS OF MEN EDDY MOST ADMIRES. IN THE CENTER OF THE FAR WALL BEHIND EDDY'S DESK IS A DOUBLE-SIZE WORLD WAR II PORTRAIT OF WINSTON CHURCHILL. THE REMAINING PORTRAITS OF DONALD TRUMP, LEE IACOCCA, ZIG ZIGLAR, TOM HOPKINS AND BRIAN TRACY ARE ALL HALF AS LARGE. SYMBOLS ARE IMPORTANT TO EDDY KAMMEGIAN. TROPHIES, AWARDS AND PLAQUES FILL THE CREDENZA BEHIND HIS DESK. AN ACADEMY AWARD LAMP DOMINATES HIS MAHOGANY DESK. EDDY IS ON THE PHONE.

EDDY

Chainey, drinking is not your problem - thinking is your problem ... Well. Get your butt to a meeting ... That sounds like Step Two stuff. You, one more time, making people places and things your Higher Power ... Chainey, ANY she will let you down, especially YOUR she ... Because she's an alcoholic and a drug addict ... I don't know, man. I don't have a crystal ball. (THE PHONE RINGS) Hang on. Don't go anywhere. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Kammegian ... Yo, Shopping Bag Steve! What's up? ... I know man. Amazing! I'm on a roll ... Okay, okay, I'll take the spread on the Falcons ... Yeah, double up! Steve, hang on a second man, I'm on the PHONE) Chainey? ... Okay look, just don't drink and get to a meeting ... What do you want me to say? Then listen for Chrissake! ... Are you listening? ... You can't hear while you're talking ... Then change the locks ... The hell with the goddamn gerbils. She probably sold them for twenty bucks worth of crack. (THE PHONE BUZZES) Hang on! (HE CLICKS THE BUTTON) Kammegian ... Yes Duncan, thank you for returning my call so expeditiously ... I know. I'm sorry ... In a meeting ... Duncan, I'm committed to resolving this with you ... one thousand percent ...Yes, absolutely. Duncan, stay with me one millisecond will you? I'm on the other line. Let me terminate that call ... I appreciate your patience. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Steve, Green Bay - over and under. Same price. (LAUGHING) Then take it off the ten grand you owe me ... Right ... No. No hockey, Steve. Hockey sucks. Call me Tuesday. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Chainey? ... Right. Then ask yourself, am I willing to surrender to a new way of life? ... Are you? ... And are you willing to walk through this with a Higher Power of your own understanding? ... Well, do you believe or don't you? ... Do you want me to continue to be your sponsor? ... You have thirty seconds to think about what I've said ... I'll be right back ... (CLICKING THE PHONE) Duncan? ... Sorry, I've been putting out fires all morning. Where were we? ... Wait now, actually 50% less toner? ... Let me state unequivocally that this is the first time this issue has been brought to my attention ... Teaspoons? ... Well, approximately how many teaspoons less, Duncan? ... I'm going to ask you to hold a moment while I attempt to calculate that precise measurement. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Jesus! Elaine, page Judy Dunn for me. Now! I need her in my office. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Chainey? ... Shit! (CLICKING THE PHONE) Yeah Elaine, I need you to get Leon Chainey back on the phone for me. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Duncan? ...Yes. You know I'm completely nonplussed here. I guess the best way to do this is to have my staff measure each teaspoon separately ... Well, what size plastic spoon were you using? ... Oh, from Burger King ... (JUDY DUNN KNOCKS AT THE DOOR. EDDY COVERS THE MOUTHPIECE WITH HIS HAND AND YELLS "COME." JUDY ENTERS AND CROSSES TO HIS DESK). Well, one thing's for sure, Duncan: you've received a batch of under filled cartridges ... As I've said, I'm speechless ... Secret ingredient? ... No Duncan, of course not. (COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE - WHISPERING TO JUDY) Can you tell me why Paul continues to make up this dementia about bionic toner?

JUDY

Uhhh, maybe he assumes that corporate supply managers are morons.

EDDY (BACK ON THE PHONE)

Absolutely! You have my personal pledge. I jokingly say that when you're dealing with me you are dealing with the head and not the feet. (EDDY CHUCKLES THEN BEGINS TO CLOSE - HE STANDS) You know Duncan, I always say that there are two times to buy a product: when you need 'em - and when the price is right. Here's my suggestion: Based on my firm's historical faupaux I'm at a total disadvantage with your company. Have you got a pen handy? ... Let me give you your new and effective discounted price ... Correct. $74.95 per unit. And you have my personal commitment that there will be no degradation in product quality. (THE PHONE BUZZES) Absolutely. Go ahead and jot that figure down ... One moment, Duncan. IÕll be right back. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Kammegian ... DonÕt you ever fuckin' hang up on me again! Stay on the line. (CLICKING THE PHONE) Duncan, what's your standard transmittal on those cartridges? ... I totally understand ... Of course I'm 100% willing for you to ship those back. But for the time being my suggestion is for you to retain them at your storage facility. Just set 'em aside until we've mutually resolved this QC issue. Okay? ... Now, I'm going to ask you to step off the curb with me today on an order of 144, only ... Correct. One full gross. My firm made an error and as president of the company it is my chartered duty to admit my mistake and make amends ... Duncan, I understand absolutely and I appreciate your perspective. By the way from now on you'll be dealing directly with me on this. No salesman will call É Of course. And, as a gesture of good faith, IÕm prepared to give you a full 48-month price freeze on all our products ... So, let's do this: to re-institute the good faith in our relationship, just go ahead and meet me half way with a token transmittal of 72 units, today ... Correct. No Duncan, I recommend that you make that decision immediately. It's prudent and it shows excellent fiscal judgment. Okay?

(IN THE SILENCE EDDY LEERS AT JUDY AND SHE GIVES HIM A THUMBS UP) Outstanding! (HE AND JUDY HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER)

Hang on a moment. I'll check the warehouse. (HE CLICKS THE PHONE - THEN TO JUDY) Just saved six dozen and sold six dozen at five dollars over list. Duncan is FULLY PRICE PROTECTED!

JUDY

Eddy, you are the best.

EDDY

(CLICKING THE PHONE) Chainey, you still with me? ... Okay, my brother, control yourself ... That doesn't matter now ... We both know that you can't save your face and your ass at the same time. Baby steps. Just take the next indicated action.

JUDY

I'll come back.

EDDY

(SOFTLY) Chainey, stay on the line. (CLICKING THE PHONE HE MOTIONS FOR JUDY TO WAIT) Duncan, All systems are green and go! You'll have your freshly QC'd batch of the 72 premium re-manufactured cartridges in three to five working days ... It was good meeting you on the phone ... You too Duncan, onward and upward. (CLICKING THE PHONE - CUPPING HIS HAND OVER THE MOUTHPIECE - TO JUDY) We've got to start controlling the greed factor around here. Bionic toner? Jesus Christ!

JUDY

Monkey see, monkey do.

EDDY

As of today Marquee Savings and Loan is a house account. Maybe Paul will get the message. You tell him.

JUDY

You tell him, Eddy. I've got a thousand callbacks. Is that what you wanted to see me about?

EDDY

(HE MOTIONS FOR JUDY TO WAIT - THEN, INTO THE PHONE, SOFTLY) Chainey ... I know, buddy. I know. Get a grip on yourself ... Don't even think about that ... Give it to your Higher Power ... My question is: do you trust me? ... Okay, then are you at least willing to believe that I believe? ... Right. Just believe that I believe ... Good. I want you to get up now - go to the bathroom and blow your nose and wash your face ... I'll be right here. (HE COVERS THE MOUTHPIECE - TO JUDY) This is First National's best month ever. (PULLING HER TO HIM) I want to congratulate you personally on the job you're doing.

JUDY

Good. You can take me to lunch.

EDDY

(GROPING HER BREASTS) I thought we'd stay in and do a little brainstorming.

JUDY

I told you - not in the office. Not any more.

EDDY

Just half an hour ... (HE KISSES HER AND SHE KISSES HIM BACK - THEN HE RETURNS TO THE PHONE. JUDY BEGINS TO SAY SOMETHING - THINKS BETTER OF IT - THEN EXITS SHAKING HER HEAD) Chainey? ... Okay buddy, let it go ... Good. Good. That's it ... No man, I love you. God loves you ... Believe me. I've been there too. (GETITNG DOWN ON HIS KNEES) Pray with me, Chainey. Right now. Get down on your knees ... Are you there my brother?

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UNTITLED #1

I ran into old Don
today
still checking at the Ralph's on Sepulveda Boulevard
after 25 big ones -

Looks like - just for a change - the boss is screwing them again on their pension plan
and the picketing they did and the strike that time
and the fucking honcho from the A F-of-L
all didn't do nobody no good whatsoever

The working stiff is still the lowest lizard on the food chain

Old Don's doesn't care - says he's retiring at the end of the year
no matter what

Says he's gonna spend full time at that place he built in Mexico
and slam his insulin twice a day
and fish until his hands fall off

And I'm cranking the starter in my Chevy out in the parking lot
when it hits me

I've been doing the only thing I ever wanted to do
- daily -
for almost twenty years
no union - no paid vacations - no O T
and no shit

I still can't get enough

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Melrose Avenue at Four A.M.

Melrose Avenue at Four A.M.

Blood everywhere
on the car's seat
on the floorboard

and me
freaked and desperate and helpless
saying shit like - it's okay - you're gonna be okay - we'll be there in a minute -
just hang on for chrissake

and more blood

Your shirt and pants sopped by it
your face white ... drained ... porcelain

an entire liver puked up - on the floor of my car

Hang on, goddamnit! Can you just hang on?

"I'm hanging on, fucker ... drive faster"

And all the love and all the lies of our friendship
the years of our days and nights together
have
devolved
to this
last careless ride

Okay ... okay ... we're here ... can you hear me?

kissing your head as they wheeled you in
but
only later remembering
I
never
stopped
to say
goodbye

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UNTITLED #2

My son Giovanni's in the other room
as I sit here typing - wrenching my brain

I hear him in there
eighteen months old
pushing his red bus across the carpet
into
the wall
again and again - bam bam
making up chatter-box words
in an unknown one-way conversation
as he goes

One-hundred percent present
in
the
moment

complete bliss

And all
I'll ever want
is
to
be
like that kid

in the now - always -
nothing added

Totally
with
God

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UNTITLED #3

One time - years ago - I
met Bergman
the
Swedish filmmaker guy

I was limo-ing in Manhattan
at it seventy and eighty hours a weeks
and staying stinking drunk when I wasn't in my vested polyester suit
and chauffeur's cap

He was a humble cat
in a plaid shirt and kaki pants
speaking in measured - perfect - English
as we drove the city streets together
seeing New York - he said - through my eyes -

Up and down the island for hours
South Ferry and back
The Bronx and East Harlem

When we were done I said
"So what do you think of New York"

The shy man thought about it for a few seconds then smiled -
"I live on an island in the Baltic," he said - "I see five houses, the sea, and my dogs for eleven months a year
Cities, for me, are an excess - an overdose of humanity - like falling into a freezing river"

Do you drink, I asked

Sometimes, he said - I drink sometimes

Drinking really warms up the water, I said
drinking really helps

Bergman smiled - Of course it does, he said
Let's stop the car and have a drink

So we did

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LAST NIGHT

Last night

at a theater in Hollywood
I saw my pal Mike's one-man stand-up show

He's sober now
years and years sober
and his rage at life and at failed bitter love overwhelmed
and singed
the stage
for ninety minutes

Later -
back in his mirrored and paneled dressing room
where I could not escape
and had to go
Mike wanted to know
how I liked it

So I told him the truth

"I didn't laugh," I said
it made me sad - I'm sorry

For the last two years everything Mike has is
tied to this new routine
months of work
his balls and alimony and his sanity
all hanging there - on the line

I saw it in his face
it had all been burned down
by what I'd said

Friends come and go but I feel like shit
for not heading toward the parking lot instead

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Act I, Scene I from the play Don Giovanni

Characters

Jonathan: an aging Hollywood writer
Catherine: his wife

MORNING. SUNLIGHT STREAMS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND DINING ROOM OF THE DANTE HOME. THEIR RANCH-STYLE NINETEEN-FIFTIES HOUSE IS SITUATED ON A CLIFF IN MALIBU OVERLOOKING THE PACIFIC. THIS SET IS OF TWO ADJOINING ROOMS, SEPARATED BY A PARTITION THAT HAS A LARGE, DOORLESS OPENING. THE SPACES ARE GENEROUS, THE CEILINGS HIGH AND BEAMED. IN THE REAR, RUNNING THE LENGTH OF BOTH ROOMS, ARE A SERIES OF CONNECTING BAY WINDOWS THAT LOOK OUT ON THE DANTE'S YARD AND THE OCEAN BEYOND. THE DINING AREA, STAGE RIGHT, ACCOUNTS FOR APPROXIMATELY A THIRD OF THE SPACE. AS THE SCENE OPENS, JONATHAN, A FORMER HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITER, IS SEATED AT THE TABLE SIPPING COFFEE WEARING HIS BATHROBE. HE ATTEMPTS TO READ THE NEWSPAPER WITH THE AID OF A THICK, HAND-HELD MAGNIFYING GLASS. HE IS TWO DAYS FROM HIS SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY. A SHORT, MASSIVE MAN OF ITALIAN ABRUZZIAN LABORER STOCK, HIS HEALTH IS IN DECLINE FROM ADVANCED DIABETES. A RECENT LASER EYE SURGERY HAS FAILED TO AVERT PROGRESSIVE BLINDNESS. IN THE WELL-USED LIVING ROOM, WITH ITS FIREPLACE, PIANO, BIG SCREEN TV AND COMFORTABLE FURNISHINGS, CATHERINE (KATE), WEARING A HOUSE DRESS, IS TIDYING UP, DUMPING ASH TRAYS AND COLLECTING HALF-EMPTY GLASSES FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE. SHE IS SIXTY-FIVE, TRIM, BLOND. SLOWING, BUT STILL YOUTHFUL IN APPEARANCE.

CATHERINE
(CHEERY, SHE HUMS THE MARSEILLES AS SHE CLEANS AND PICKS UP. THEIR CONVERSATION CONTINUES FROM BETWEEN ROOMS) Da-da, da-dat-da-dah ...

JONATHAN
(FRUSTRATED, SETS THE MAGNIFYING GLASS DOWN AND LOUDLY CLANKS HIS COFFEE CUP INTO ITS SAUCER) Do you have to? Jesus.

CATHERINE
(CALLING) I'll be there in a minute.

JONATHAN
The humming. I feel like Charlie De Gaulle, leading a regiment of goose-stepping froggies, is about to march up my walkway and occupy my service porch.

CATHERINE
(IGNORING HIM. CALLING) In a minute, Jonathan. I'm cleaning up.

JONATHAN
Apparently.

CATHERINE
(CONTINUING HER HUMMING) I loved those forties war movies. Such pure intention, defeating evil at every turn.

JONATHAN
(CALLING) You're an old woman. A fossil. You're un-hip.

CATHERINE
Claude Rains-he was so slimy. That marvelous creepy little mustache. All the great heavies are gone. Now they're TV cops. Pitch men. Larry King for President.

JONATHAN
(THROWING THE PAPER ASIDE IN FRUSTRATION) More coffee.

CATHERINE
(SHE EXITS S/R PASSING BY JONATHAN THROUGH THE DINING ROOM WITH A TRAY OF DISHES, THEN RE-ENTERS, GOING BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH A BOTTLE OF SPRAY WINDOW-CLEANER AND A TOWEL) Please Jonathan. I said in a minute.

JONATHAN
(TO HIMSELF, VIOLENTLY PUSHING THE CUP AND SAUCER AWAY) Goddammit!

CATHERINE
(CALLING) What time do you think they'll be here, my birthday boy?

JONATHAN
How would I know? (HE POUNDS THE TABLE WITH HIS FIST, ACCIDENTALLY STRIKING THE CUP AND SAUCER. ONE OR BOTH FALL TO THE FLOOR AND BREAK) ... Goddammit!

CATHERINE
(HEARING THE CRASH AND RUSHING INTO THE ROOM) What happened?

JONATHAN
I'm going blind, lass! Your "birthday boy" is unable to see.

CATHERINE
(PICKING UP THE BROKEN ITEMS) The pain is worse, isn't it?

JONATHAN
(GROPING AROUND THE TABLE, DISHEARTENED, HE PUSHES SEVERAL PIPES AWAY) Where are my cigarettes?

CATHERINE
(FINDING THEM UNDER THE NEWSPAPER, SHE HANDS HIM ONE AND SETS THE PACK AND LIGHTER BEFORE HIM) Here ...

JONATHAN
(PUTTING THE CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH, HE LOCATES THE LIGHTER ON TOP OF THE PACK, FEELS WHERE THE END OF THE CIGARETTE IS, THEN LIGHTS IT AND EXHALES) Another day in paradise.

CATHERINE
(EXITING S/R WITH THE BROKEN DISHES) Do you know if Dickie checked the arrival times?

JONATHAN
Better do it yourself. You know what you're up against with the genius. He forgets everything.

CATHERINE
(RETURNING TO THE ROOM WITH A CUP OF COFFEE, SHE SETS IT DOWN. TEARING OPEN A SWEETENER PACKET, SHE ADDS ITS CONTENTS AND SOME CREAM. THEN, AFTER STIRRING THE MIXTURE, SHE PLACES IT IN FRONT OF JONATHAN) Sorry honey, what did you say?

JONATHAN
I said, check it yourself. Where is he? My first-born son. Where is my pride and joy?

CATHERINE
Running again. He says he's been doing ten miles a day. Every day since he got here. He was up before six again this morning.

JONATHAN
Charming. A gifted pianist swaps out his concert career for a pair of Nike Trainers.

CATHERINE
You're right. I'll call myself ... No, he'll be back in a bit. I'll wait.

JONATHAN
Get the phone.

CATHERINE
No, I'll wait.

JONATHAN
(ADAMANT) Get me the goddamn phone, Kate! Please.

CATHERINE
(EXITS S/R THEN RETURNS WITH A CORDLESS TELEPHONE AND SETS IT DOWN IN FRONT OF JONATHAN) I know the number.

JONATHAN
(LIGHTS ANOTHER CIGARETTE WITH THE SMOLDERING END OF THE LAST ONE, THEN EXTINGUISHES THE SHORTER BUTT. THROUGHOUT THE PLAY HE WILL ALWAYS BE SMOKING. MOST OFTEN, HE SMOKES A PIPE BUT, WHEN AGITATED HE SMOKES HIS CIGARETTES) Dial it, please.

CATHERINE
(DIALING) I wish that I hadn't given Dickie the end bedroom. That middle room has so much less privacy for Bruno and Aggie. (HANDING HIM THE PHONE) Here, it's ringing.

JONATHAN
Yes, good morning! (THEN ...) It's a recording, Kate.

CATHERINE
(RAMBLING, HALF TO HERSELF ... ) I suppose it'll be adequate. It's just small. Jonathan, have you noticed that Bruno never brings more than one suitcase? ...

JONATHAN
When a man has made as many attempts at recovery as your son Bruno has, he soon acquires a proficiency at traveling light; packing and leaving. I'll bet as a drunken actor he's gotten pretty good at memorizing legal documents too: warrants, subpoenas. (INTO THE PHONE) Yes, thank you ... The noon flight from New York City? ... Sorry, I don't ... Yes, that's the one. Is it on time? ... Excellent. Thank you. (CATHERINE HANGS THE PHONE UP) Their flight will arrive as scheduled.

CATHERINE
Wonderful!

JONATHAN
Your birthday reunion bash is right on schedule.

CATHERINE
Are you hungry?

JONATHAN
I just had a thought: You didn't ask our son's here, convene this little seventieth birthday festivity, for the purpose of clustering support to shunt an old blind gimpy diabetic into one of those charming state-run board and care joints on Western Avenue, did you, misses?

CATHERINE
You're an old prick, Jonathan. I don't find your sarcasm amusing.

JONATHAN
Eggs. I'll have eggs.

CATHERINE
Just eggs?

JONATHAN
On second thought, screw the eggs. I'm not hungry. Where's my dog? Let Rocco in.

CATHERINE
No Jonathan.

JONATHAN
Okay, like yesterday then. Soft boiled. But just one.

CATHERINE
Toast?

JONATHAN
Okay. Toast ... Let the dog in.

CATHERINE
Later. I'm not done cleaning.

JONATHAN
Now.

CATHERINE
(CONFESSING) I can't ... Rocco's with Dickie. He went on the run with him.

JONATHAN
Christ, that was a major faupaux!

CATHERINE
I know, I know-I didn't want to upset you ... He was half way out the front gate, Jon. I called to him. He yelled back that he's been doing it every morning since he's been home. Dickie says that the dog loves the exercise.

JONATHAN
You know that dog's M.O., Kate. He'll see something-get loose, bolt. Another mutt or a chicken or one of those ducks at the Sinclair's. Jesus, those ducks! Have you forgotten those goddamn ducks? Do you want the Sheriff's Department in our driveway again?

CATHERINE
Calm down for God's sake! Don't work yourself up! Just talk to him when he gets back.

JONATHAN
That's all Sinclair would need to start some new fucking legal proceeding. That bottom-feeding, vindictive putz. Jesus!

CATHERINE
You know, Jon, Rocco only has half his teeth left. Last time at the vet's he counted them and told me. He's a bit past being a threat?

JONATHAN
Me too? Am I passed being a threat? ... Bull terriers kill. A toothless twelve-year-old bull terrier with a heart condition and no dick, kills. Fuse that to your son Tinkerbelle's intellectual deficiencies and you've touched a lighted match to gasoline.

CATHERINE
Watch your mouth! You're talking about our son.

JONATHAN
Okay, misses.

CATHERINE
I'm serious. I refuse to put up with that nonsense while Dickie's is staying in this house.

JONATHAN
I said I'm sorry.

CATHERINE
Your eyes hurt, don't they?

JONATHAN
Yes Catherine, my eyes hurt. The grey is closing in. And a thousand more laser treatments aren't going to help.

CATHERINE
Want something for the pain? It's almost time for your pills.

JONATHAN
May I first ingest a few mouthfuls of my breakfast before I begin doping myself up for the day? If you don't mind, before I get blasted on my meds, I think that I'll put out my cigarette and limp over by the cliff and suck in a few quick breaths of ocean air ... For the last few mornings, Kate, I've been going out on the deck-looking out-trying to find the seagulls. Remember, how we used to watch them on the rocks at low tide? Now, I can't see them. Standing on the deck, I can barely make out the color of the ocean from the brown of the rocks. The gulls are gone, Kate.

CATHERINE
They're still there, honey. I'll get you down the path to the beach. I'll get you closer.

JONATHAN
They're gone for me, lass. Seagulls die!

CATHERINE
I'll get you a pill.

JONATHAN
Goddamn it, I can't even steal half an hour without my dope! Maybe I really am dying. I have no memory of what it was like not to congest my body and brain with coagulant tablets and pain blockers. You and that thin-lipped internist have made me a junkie.

CATHERINE
You're lucky I'm not feeding you drain cleaner. (CROSSING TO THE DINING TABLE FROM THE KITCHEN DOOR, SHE REMOVES A VIAL OF PILLS FROM HER POCKET AND GIVES ONE TO JONATHAN WITH A GLASS OF WATER) Here Your Eminence.

JONATHAN
(SWALLOWING THE CAPSULE WITH A SIP OF WATER) Damn it, Kate. You should not have let him take the dog out of this yard. It's utter folly.

CATHERINE
I won't let him do it again.

JONATHAN
Don't patronize me.

CATHERINE
You'll be more comfortable in a few minutes ... (To herself) Maybe you'll flatline!

© 2006 Dan Fante. All Rights Reserved.
May not be reprinted in whole or in part
without written consent from Burning Shore Press.

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